


I'm losing control, say it ain't so

by the_milky_way



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: And Gets One, Canon Compliant, Caring Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Episode Tag: 4x01-4x02, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Figuring Things Out, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Light Angst, M/M, POV Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Post Season 4 episode 2, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Relationship Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Quarantine, Second Kiss, Soft Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley, Soft Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Spoilers for 4.02, Talking, Worried Eddie Diaz, post episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:54:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29024550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_milky_way/pseuds/the_milky_way
Summary: Okay then. Eddie is still not sure how to react here. He’s acutely aware of the fact that Buck can so easily read him that he didn’t have any trouble to know where Eddie’s thoughts went or detect the sliver of jealousy that fought its way into Eddie’s emotions just then.“Is it helping?” Is what he asks in the end. Because, that’s what counts, right?orBuck is seeing someone or so he tells Eddie when he drops by late after shift. It's not what it sounds like, though.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 362





	I'm losing control, say it ain't so

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 4.01/4.02
> 
> Title comes from "Learn to let Go" by Welshly Arms

When Eddie comes to, the crick in his neck is mocking him and the screen on his knees is dark. The light’s still on though, so he blinks against the flare and tries to figure out what woke him. Christophter is deep into the land of dreams which makes extracting himself from the bed a little easier. Exhaustion still clings to the edges of his very being, the little sleep he’s getting lately isn’t even close to enough. But worrying about almost everything in his life right now can do that to a man.

He places the laptop in Chris' desk, still glad he invested the money in a bigger screen even though that thing seems to way a ton when he has to balance it on his thighs for bedtime stories. He appreciates Carla even more for having stuck with them through everything so far. Rubbing a hand over his face, Eddie tries to get his bearings and find his way into his own bed. He shuts off the light, softly closes the door and is about to shuffle towards his room when there’s a soft noise from the kitchen. Must be what woke him.

The door to the guestroom is closed though, so not Abuela then. There’s only one other person, who has a key these days. And Eddie doesn’t really know what to think or expect from that. He’s too tired to really be able to deal with anything heavy right now. Still, it’s not even worth a debate whether to check or not. A second later he’s leaning against the doorjamb watching Buck stare off into the distance. There’s a cup with hot tea placed next to his hand on the counter, steam billowing upwards. 

Eddie takes the moment to just look. He hasn’t had the time or opportunity to do so for a while now. Even though Buck stands straighter these days, less weighted down he still seems to be carrying quite a burden on his shoulders. Eddie, for the millionth time during the last few months, wishes he could help with that. Maybe now is the right time to ask, to offer help, to be there.

“Buck?”

Buck blinks, looks as if he was further gone than Eddie expected. Which worries him even more. He doesn’t really know what’s going on with Buck these days and it just adds to the anxiety constantly building up. He has been talking to Frank about it, confided in Abuela as well, but seeing as things aren’t anywhere near going back to normal, Eddie has yet to find a good way to really deal with it.

“Oh… hey. I… sorry, you were sleeping. I didn’t want to wake you. Looks like I did anyway.” The flicker of guilt isn’t all that prominent but Eddie sees it anyway.

“Are you okay?”

It’s a simple question but Eddie knows it usually holds so much weight, that neither of them have been able to answer honestly in quite a while. 

“Honestly?”

Eddie blinks in surprise not having expected that. He was ready for the usual platitudes they’ve started using somewhere along the way and haven’t found their way out of yet. He moves into the kitchen, lets the door soflty close behind him and settles against the counter opposite of Buck. 

“Preferably, yes.”

“Then, no.”

Eddie nods then, more prepared now. Buck shuffles a little, nervous somehow, bracing himself - for what Eddie isn’t sure. 

“Wanna tell me why?”

What’s going on? Eddie wants to add that question so desperately but holds back. Mostly because he knows Buck, knows he’ll draw back when he feels pressured. Same as Eddie does. Not a healthy coping mechanism, but he’s working on it. Somehow he’s glad, happy even, that Buck found his way into his home tonight. 

It’s late and Eddie knows Buck took that into consideration as well. He came around when he was sure that Chris would be asleep, not facing the danger of having to deny hugs and closeness. 

Buck squirms a little, hips sliding along the edge of the countertop, a reminder that he’s still there, maybe even some kind of anchor. One, two, three sips of the still steaming hot tea and Buck sighs. So they’ll talk after all.

“I… I’ve been seeing someone.”

Huh. Okay, again, not what Eddie expected to hear. He also doesn’t expect his heart to stutter and his chest to squeeze tightly around it. It hurts for a fraction of a second before he’s able to take a breath and subdue the pain for the time being. When he looks up from where his eyes have dropped to Buck’s socked feet he finds himself being watched by curious eyes. There’s a small smile, too.

“Not like that. This declaration always sounds wrong, no matter how you use it or mean it. What I meant to say is, I… there’s a therapist now.” Buck ducks his head a little, not in shame or embarrassment but still somewhat shy, soft even.

Okay then. Eddie is still not sure how to react here. He’s acutely aware of the fact that Buck can so easily read him that he didn’t have any trouble to know where Eddie’s thoughts went or detect the sliver of jealousy that fought its way into Eddie’s emotions just then.

“Is it helping?” Is what he asks in the end. Because, that’s what counts, right? 

“Yeah. In a lot of ways. What doesn’t help is Chim calling it a covid crush, though.” The smile is bigger now, less hesitant. As if Buck needed to see Eddie’s reaction to relax. As if Buck expected something different.

“Well, you made and still make a secret out of it. And you know how everyone is.”

They both know it just too well. And Eddie gets it. Therapy is something Buck’s always struggled with, for obvious and very hidden reasons. He doesn’t begrudge him keeping it to himself, to keep it as part of himself he needs to deal with alone first. So Eddie feels sort of honored that Buck is telling him now. 

“Yeah. True. But today… I… we talked about keeping things… keeping feelings hidden from people. And I… I just needed to be here. See you. Tell you.”

Buck has abandoned his cup on the counter and is slowly making his way towards Eddie. Eyes fixed on Eddie, hands twisted in the hem of his sweater and body swaying with every move. He’s as exhausted as Eddie is. But they somehow stay upright and awake. This is important.

“Tell me?” Eddie dares to ask because he knows Buck is waiting for it, waiting for a sign, a signal to finally crack, to say it out loud. Whatever “it” may be.

“Tell you that I am sorry.” Buck whispers, now so close that Eddie can reach out. For a second there Eddie isn’t sure if he should, if this is a good idea. Then he sees the flicker of guilt mixed with insecurity again and just moves.

His hands settle on Buck’s hips, much like the last time they were this close. At the beginning of the quarantine, when Chim was asleep downstairs and they were just too caught up in being miserable and seeking comfort. But it was more even back then and it sure as hell is more now. Because Buck is here and Buck is asking something - for something.

“Sorry for?”

Buck sighs, a little resigned but he doesn’t stop looking at Eddie. He isn’t hiding this time. Eddie pulls him closer, chest to chest, creating a space just for them. Thank God for regular daily tests and them being so goodamn strict with masking up. Eddie is pretty sure he'd throw a fit, Buck, too, if they'd still be in the phase of not touching.

“Eds… I’m sorry I clamped up. Shut you out. Was so damn insecure. Shouldn’t have been and I’m sorry it took me so long to face it.”

Eddie nods because for once in his life he was and still is the open one. The one that offered and waited for his counterpart to figure it out. To hold on to that offer. He has watched Buck drawing back for months now, was getting ready to give up soon - because he wouldn’t have waited endlessly even if Buck is slowly turning into the very person he would consider doing just that for.

Buck had needed time. Time to process. Time to figure himself out. Time to realize if that one kiss would be something he wanted to explore more or to let rest forever. Time to situate himself and find his own way to go about life from then on.

“We’ll figure it out. I’ll be here. And really, I am proud of you. This is big even though you think it isn’t.”

Nailed it, Eddie thinks. Buck ducks his head again because he still thinks therapy is something he shouldn’t need. Which even Eddie now knows is bullshit. He’s glad Buck is seeking help. Eddie moves his hand from where it’s been worming its way underneath Buck’s sweat seeking skin to rest against Buck’s cheek. Thumb softly stroking slightly red skin, moving along the cheekbone and back. Buck’s eyelids flutter, not closing all the way but enough for it to convey how much he is reveling in the contact.

“I’m sorry, too, you know.”

“Why?” It is whispered again, this time almost against his lips as Buck has moved in when Eddie was distracted by the emotions so obviously displayed on his face there.

“For letting it happen in the first place even though I was pretty sure neither of us was ready. For letting you shoulder this guilt. Because Buck, there’s nothing to feel guilty about. We are good.”

Eddie grunts in surprise when firm lips claim his. The kiss is uncoordinated, hectic but still one of the best things that has happened to him in the last few months. Better than the first one, too. Because this time they are ready. This time they know what’s going on.

He puts his hand on Buck’s cheek to good use and tilts them just right. It’s heated from then on. Heated and desperate in a way Eddie’s never felt before. All the anxiety, the tension, the insecurities about this take a step back and let them be. He is kissing Buck with all he has and loves every second of it.

They trade soft kisses for a while, wrapped up in each other, much like the first time but a lot more relaxed now. Buck hides his face against Eddie’s neck when exhaustion gets the better of him and Eddie indulges in letting his fingers slide through soft curls.

He’s not sure how long they stay like this, pressed close together, leaning against Eddie’s kitchen counter. But neither of them seems inclined to move for now.

“Earlier, when you secured my rope before I went down into that house?”

Buck mumbles the words against Eddie’s skin, making him shiver with the movement of dry lips and hot breath.

“Hmm?”

“I wanted to pull you in and kiss the hell out of you. That’s… that’s when I knew I wanted this. Knew my therapist had been right. About me hiding important things from people. I don’t wanna do that anymore.”

Eddie moves his head only a fraction, just so that he can place a lingering kiss against Buck’s temple. Reassurance underlining the simple action, but love as well. They are not there yet. Neither of them. But Eddie thinks it might be heading that way.

“I’ll be here.”

Buck sighs, moves in impossibly closer and settles against Eddie’s body like he belongs there now. Eddie decides that he does. Wraps his arms tighter around the man he’s pretty sure he is falling for without a safety net and yields to the moment of perfect closeness.

“Thank you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure where this came from. It was just there after the last episode.  
> Never planned to write anything that featured the quarantine but they sort of made it okayish for me with the with the way they went about it in the eps.
> 
> As always, thanks A. for keeping up with my weird late night musings and writings.  
> <3  
> All remaining mistakes are mine.


End file.
